Aug 05 2014

12 Firearm “Facts” Every Gun Owner Should Know

gun AR-15

Growing up in Massachusetts, I’ve spent a lot of time with anti-gunners. They’re pretty loud and they sure do give me a whole lot to think about. I think sometimes they forget that the federal government already requires background checks on all sales conducted through a federally licensed firearms dealer and that most criminals don’t even follow laws, because they keep insisting more background checks will stop crime. That’s a pretty big thing to forget, but they say they’re experts so I believe them. After all, why would someone demand new laws against something they know nothing about? Anyway, I really want to help out and educate the world, so I made a list of 12 “facts” that every gun owner should know. Hopefully they help you as much as they helped me!

1. Firearms have magical male-enhancement characteristics. However, the effect only lasts as long as you’re holding the gun. Once you put it down, you’re back to a small willy. Unless you’re a police officer or soldier – then the effect is long lasting and your genitals will never be questioned again. None of the gun makers have released a female version for breast augmentation, but here’s hoping.

2. Guns are racist, because the big black ones are scarier.

journalist gun guide

Here, this chart should help.

3. Anything that looks like a rifle is an AR-15. Anything with a trigger, barrel, or magazine may also be an AR-15. If you’re not sure what it is, it’s probably an AR-15.

4. All firearms come with a super-sonic heat-seeking device that only targets small children.

5. There is such a thing as the elusive and menacing ghost gun – capable of “the ability with a .30-caliber clip to disperse with 30 bullets within half a second.” It comes in thirty round magazine clips and is completely invisible unless you have a super sleuthy decoder ring from the NRA.

6. When the Founding Fathers wrote the second amendment in 1787, only muskets existed. The the puckle gun auto-cannon, invented in 1718 and capable of shooting 11 rounds before needing to be reloaded, isn’t actually real. Neither are the seven-barreled Nock guns invented in 1779 or the twelve-barreled Ribauldequins first seen in 1339 during the Hundred Years’ War. Most early volley guns are figments, too.

7. Guns can also inspire you to be bat shit crazy, because no gun owners are sane. The FDA has yet to approve any treatment for this condition.

8. It is easier to get a gun than it is to get a driver’s license, doctor’s appointment, birth control, or the common cold. Studies say that in the state of California, it is 236 times easier to get a gun than it is to get pregnant.

gun cause of death

Lies! ALL LIES!!!

9. 100% of all violent crimes are committed with fully-automatic military assault rifles, as long as you ignore all the statistics on crimes during which perpetrators used hands, feet, baseball bats, knives, blunt objects, and cars. Yes, it’s true that full auto military-style weapons are not available to the public, but that’s completely irrelevant and should be denied at all costs.

10. No one wants to take your guns. Except for most anti-gun liberals, and their anti-gun friends, and their state representatives, and the Clintons, and Feinstein, and the UN, and the president, too. But really, that’s practically nobody.

11. The need for self-protection is a myth. No one in the whole wide world wants to hurt anyone else (except the people with the guns in #9). Muggers, murderers, rapists, home intruders, and all other manner of evil-doers are urban legends – but I hear they have a particular weakness to pee and vomit. Bodily fluids are like their kryptonite and will create an impenetrable force-field around you in times of danger.

12. Never judge a book by its cover. Unless that book is actually a gun. If a gun looks evil, then it probably is. In fact, if it has a pistol grip or a sliding stock, it’s probably plotting your death in the most horrible way possible right now.

And that concludes my PSA. Hopefully you’ve learned as much as I did. No one should ever be ignorant or misinformed, especially when it comes to taking away other people’s rights.

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  1. 12 Firearm “Facts” Every Gun Owner Should Know

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