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Jan 13 2014

11 Things Statists Taught Me About Being a Libertarian

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Statists have truly taught me a lot about what it means to be a libertarian. Actually, they seem to know a whole lot more about it than I do. Through seemingly nonsensical debates, straw arguments, and name calling, I’ve begun to see the error of my ways. To show my appreciation for all that these statists have done for me, I’ve decided to compile a list so that other libertarians can be aware, too. Here are the 11 most important things statists have taught me about being a libertarian.

1. Due to my belief in the right to bear arms, I have a small penis. Being a woman, I haven’t really worked out what this means for me, but it definitely has something to do with genitals.

Oh, well that explains it.

Oh, well that explains it.


2. I am wrong. I will always be wrong, and no amount of logic, reasoning, or research will ever change that. There’s also a good chance that I’m illiterate, so I might as well just give up now.

3. Because I believe in private – rather than government – run charity, I hate poor people and would rather see people die than risk being nice to them. I also hate sick people (ObamaCare), old people (Social Security), and children.

4. I’m so racist that I don’t even notice it anymore. Everything I say is somehow racist, and my belief in equal rights for everyone is secretly part of my racist agenda.

5. Instead of religion, I worship Ron Paul. I can’t think for myself and answer questions only in Ron Paul quotes. This makes ordering at restaurants really awkward.

6. My belief in personal property and keeping the wages I earn is inherently greedy. My greed makes it difficult for me to pay “my fair share,” which is my duty as an American. I know that if I don’t pay taxes, I’ll go to jail, but they still tell me its voluntary. Statists have assured me, however, that if I don’t like it there is always the option to move to Somalia. I hear the weather there is great this time of year.
assault rifle
7. Every firearm I own, regardless of make, model, or caliber, is in fact a fully automatic, military grade AR-15 assault rifle that shoots 1000 rounds a minute and is used solely for hunting children. This also makes me a terrorist. A terrorist that especially hates children.

8. My belief that money should be backed by actual things of value – such as gold or silver – is insanity, and proves my complete lack of knowledge in economics.

9. My distrust of the government, though based on historical and current events, is proof that I am psychotic and should be seeking professional help.

10. Despite whatever social or economic class I think I belong to, I’m actually really super rich. Like, mega-corporation WalMart rich. After all, only rich people can afford freedom.

11. I hate roads. I also hate the police, fire department, and any other emergency service. I’m wrong to think that any of these things could be accomplished or funded privately, even though there are good historical examples and an obvious market for these services. I guess I just want to watch the world burn.

Thank goodness for statists. Without them, I might not have learned any of these terrible things about myself. Who knew that believing in liberty, freedom, and voluntary action could be so dangerous and selfish?

22 comments

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  1. Nonoyo Bizness

    LMFAO.

  2. Karl Schipul

    Thank you for fighting the good fight.

    If anyone says even one of these things about you in real life, I would just disassociate with them. That stuff they say is harsh shit. I would not even put up with this garbage from my own relatives. Let them know their idiotic slander has consequences.

  3. Nomad Capitalist

    I’m going to call you out on #8. Since when did the douche guys and yoga pant wearing clones at the mall ever argue economics? They only argue emotions and that “the way things are” means there is no room for improvement.

    To prove that, see #3, which I couldn’t get enough of. If you don’t agree with their knee jerk emotional reactions, you’re mean. A real meanie. Like, a really total poopy head.

    1. LibertyDoll

      I brought it up mainly because I remember everyone saying Ron Paul was crazy for wanting the gold standard and, of course, being racist. I don’t think anyone else has actually argued about it with me unless it was prompted by an internet debate, haha.

      1. Harry The Horrible

        Dunno ’bout a gold standard (what the heck is gold good for anyway?) but a oil standard or a thorium/plutonium//uranium standard makes sense.

        1. WhoMe

          There is a lot of talk that an “oil standard” backed by gold is what Muammar Gaddafi was trying to do and stop the American money standard and the US is supposed to have started the uprising when there wasn’t one to stop him from succeeding and destroying the dollar standard.

        2. Caly

          Gold is excellent for a number of applications. Mostly in electronics due to its excellent eletrocunductive properties, but as a metal in general, particularly for jewelery and for plating things to preserve them, since gold hardly oxidize or corrode. But the use of gold and silver isn’t solely because of their practical use as pure and noble metals, bot in economics, it is useful because the value is stable. The extraction of both these metals have been incredibly linear and proportional to the population growth, etc. Thorium is utterly common, and can not bare much value as a scarce resource, I doubt oil could either, as it fluctuates and are much more erratically extracted. Maybe the future will hail copper and neodymium, but the realist in me would assert that all money today is digital, so is the world at large, and our increasing web-trade consumption in particular, hence, the uprising crypto-currencies are a much safer bet as to what will constitute an instrument for future trade. Bitcoin ftw.

    2. Karl Schipul

      totally agree, Nomad. that’s why you got to hit them back emotionally. my favorite two words are “fuck off”

  4. Tonihka

    Wonderful article. Thank you for the laughs. What really annoys me is how many statists believe that raising the minimum wage helps our economy.

  5. Dick Hertz

    Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.

  6. Frank

    Statists have zero constructive successes in their column. They are only good at destruction, beginning with the weakest, who they claim to wish to help the most. Minimum wage laws and unions are two perfect examples.

  7. Daniel

    Awesome, thanks for writing this!

  8. Kevin Mongo-Hampshire

    Thank you! “I laughed, I cried, it changed my life!”

  9. Dan

    Ironically, you would never be able to broadcast these thoughts without government funded mandates

  10. Ayn R. Key

    I’d say his was informative, but I’ve been told that as a libertarian I already think I know everything and therefore can’t be taught anything.

  11. Stephen

    Yes, Dan because the private sector would never have thought of computers communicating with other computers on it’s own.

  12. Eugene Goodrich

    Regardin #8: why are gold and silver “actual things of value”? I get why gold and silver are “actual”; they are physical, measurable, transportable, etc.able things. But why do gold and silver have value? Is it because they’re useful for things? I can’t tell you what in my life I could actually use an ounce of gold or a pound of silver for, other than a paperweight for which I could more easily use a rock or a chunk of wood.

    If the reason they have value is actually because they’re rare, then fiat currency could do that, too, by being rare.

  13. tony

    You might find THIS ARTICLE quite interesting.

    It’s had over 2,000 views so far.

    http://www.ignoredrealityblog.com/media-is-a-drug/

  14. Chon

    Omg you are such an amateur πŸ˜› you did’nt include the number one reason anyone on earth becomes a Libertarian! Wich is as i have been assured by dozens and dozens and dozens of republicans and democrats across dozens of forums so that we can shoot up heroin while doing a prostitute doggy style so we can look over her (or his)shoulder and watch child porn on our computers in 3 d if your going to make a list like this you should at least include the only real reason you and the rest of us are libertarians cause thats pretty much the only thing the statist have taught me about libertarians going back hell about 18 years now πŸ˜‰

  15. Joe

    Right on the money. My penis actually shrinks a quarter inch each time I buy a gun.

  16. Pat

    “I guess I just want to watch the world burn.”

    Did I detect a Batman the Dark Knight reference ;>?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efHCdKb5UWc

    1. LibertyDoll

      You did! πŸ˜€

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